What a total prick.

ALISTAIR DARLING announced the rich will see their tax rates change. Yes, they will — when they bugger off to Switzerland.

The one bright spot in the Budget was when the Chancellor said: "I’m taking the necessary measures for Britain’s recovery." Unfortunately, the gun jammed when he tried to shoot himself in the head.

I couldn’t believe that in the current financial climate it took him 20 minutes to explain our Budget... how long does it take to say: We have three beans, we are going to eat one, plant one and attempt to trade the other for a magical harp?

Analysts expect that Britain won’t be able to balance the books until 2018, when at least two or three General Elections have passed and the British Civil War has ended. Duty on the average bottle of beer has gone up by two per cent, thereby putting an additional strain on Scottish parents as they’ll have to increase their kids’ pocket money. And two pence has been added to a litre of petrol. This will upset many rural types, making their favourite tipple unaffordable.

He has been criticised for allowing pubs to close, while trying to save the car industry. This is a silly move; the more drivers we have using pubs and then ploughing their cars into bus stops, the more demand for replacement cars. This will also help buoy the replacement limb industry and florists.

The Chancellor announced a 2billion package aimed at preventing school-leavers from joining the dole queue... he’s going to build a big fence around job centres to stop them getting in. The City has dismissed Darling’s predictions on the economy as overoptimistic. Coming from them, that’s interesting. They based their entire financial model on receiving a mortgage payment from an unemployed, one-eyed banjo player in Detroit.

Most Chancellors proudly hold the Budget box high for photographers, whereas Darling looked so embarrassed he used it more to cover his face like a paedophile getting into a police van. I wouldn’t have been surprised if he’d delivered the entire Budget speech holding a blue folder in front of his face.

The new supertax will affect people who earn over 150,000. It’s surely of no surprise that Alistair Darling earns 141,866 as a minister. The real surprise is he hasn’t introduced a tax for people who’s hair and eyebrows match.

They are taxing the rich to help pay for assistance for the unemployable.

So Labour have returned to their socialist principles. Tony Blair must be spinning in his four £9million homes. Darling is putting 150,000 young people into jobs in green technology. This should be successful. Brit teens are already experts at smashing streetlights and heating whole estates with one burning car.