HOLD ON TO YOUR HORSES.

Politicians are finally acting on the public outcry over their outrageous expense claims.

From now on, MPs are going to use a far fairer system of allowances, like the one used by President Ceausescu of Romania, just before he was marched from his golden palace and shot.

This has been a difficult subject to write jokes about when every time I try to exaggerate a punch line for comedic effect, an even more exaggerated expense claim is revealed.

I mean, what are they going to claim for next - a moat? Douglas Hogg was ridiculed for having a moat round his large mansion. To be fair, it is in the middle of a Sheffield Council Estate. Why does anyone need a moat cleaner? It's full of water. It kind of cleans itself. In his defence, the moat needed cleaning after the drawbridge broke under the weight of the chandelier being delivered.

In this country, let us not forget that a man's home is his castle. Although, in the case of many Conservative MPs, a man's castle is his second home.

Douglas Hogg claimed to have his moat cleaned and Michael Spicer claimed to trim the hedge around his helipad. They couldn't have made the Conservative Party look any more like aristocratic idiots unless they had claimed cash for "the lute player's fees to entertain the peacocks" and "a termination for scullery maid and third class ticket for her crossing to New Amsterdam".

Alex Salmond claimed £650 for curtains. To be fair, if his flat hadn't had curtains, we'd have paid out far more than that to his neighbours in compensation. Shadow ecology secretary Greg Barker has kept his green credentials through this scandal by keeping unused appliances and lights switched off in his second home. He has achieved this by not actually living there.

Many people have wondered why John Prescott needed to claim for two loo seats. Simple, one for each cheek. One MP claimed £135 to hire an electrician to "change the lightbulbs" in his house. Which, if nothing else, proves one thing: Politicians might be thieving b******s but they've got nothing on the real experts - tradesmen.

Ann Widdecombe has claimed the crackdown was going too far, saying: "It is becoming a competition that 'my shirt is hairier than yours'." If anyone is hairier, with or without a shirt, it's got to be Ann Widdecombe. If this expenses scandal gets any worse, they'll be digging a moat around Parliament.

Mr Hogg also paid £600 for someone to kill his moles. What was he killing them with? An Apache helicopter? The list of what MPs have claimed expenses for is incredible.

Tampons, horse manure, an ice cube tray, light bulbs and a chandelier. Coincidentally, those are the exact same items that Peter Andre has been offered in his divorce settlement.

Some MPs are still trying to justify the allowances system, saying that without it they would be forced to buy things using their salary. Last year, MPs were fighting against the disclosure of their second home expenses because they said it would be a risk to their security. It turns out it was a risk to the security of their overpaid jobs.

It was The Daily Telegraph that printed MPs' expense claims and its readers were furious. They have to pay for their own tennis courts, chandeliers and clean moats. One Tory showed she was still in touch with the public. Cheryl Gillian claimed £4.47 for cat food. Which is now the average British shopping list.

Oliver Letwin made a huge claim to have his "tennis courts modified". Judging by his multiple chins this means "fitted with a fridge". What I'd like to know is if MPs can claim for all those things, then what aren't they allowed to claim for? Chocolate fountains? Cream horns? Golden baths? Or are all those sexual practices allowed, too? The big news is the suspension of Elliott Morley. I think I'm with the general public when I say Elliott Who? Morley has been stripped of his role as international climate change envoy. Just as well, as his solution to climate change was for a second Earth about 100 miles away from the old one..