For months, newspapers have been brimming with frugality features: "The pages that save you money"; "How to moan on a budget"; "Use your child's tears as food!" Interestingly, none of them says: "A daily newspaper is a luxury you may find is getting you down." (A Sunday paper is, of course, a necessity. What else are you going to wipe your arse on in a recession?)
Even the Queen is complaining on her private train, moaning about how much it costs for a cup of Darjeeling and a swan roll.
There isn't enough cyber space to write about how many mistakes the Government has made in the past twelve months, but I'll give it a bloody good go. The problem is where do I start? What about how they didn't regulate the banks, how they allowed a bunch of people to run the banks without so much as a banking qualification awarded by chance card in a game of Monopoly? What about how they trust Alistair Darling? I don't trust Alistair Darling, I don't trust anyone whose hair doesn't match his or her eyebrows. I expect if he were to open his flies there would be a bunch of daffodils. Alistair himself may have never smoked cannabis, but I would say his eyebrows most defiantly have.
So Alistair and Gordon have continued to lie to us like this is nothing more then a game of Cluedo and insist that they will save the economy, in fact they all but say they are the economy. Bollocks. If they were superheroes, I'm fairly sure they would be the lamest superheroes ever:
"Quickly Alistair, to the Batcaravan"
Why do they insist on trying to bullshit us with rescue package plans? I want my money to be safe, not sound like a shit all-inclusive holiday at Butlins. Here he is, Super GB and his sidekick AD to the rescue with their package plan, which is Robin Hood style without any grasp of economics whatsoever.. I’m guessing the opening line in this package plan is to encourage us all to pay into our banks lots of money or at the very least an amulet made of cats teeth.
In this package plan (which also sounds like a camp terrorist bomb) Gordon agrees we should save money by not wasting food, like it is the biggest waste of money, which it isn’t. We spend millions and millions of pounds on weapons to blow up shepherds, and you’ve got someone who spent two million pounds on several aircraft carriers this week, standing in front of us telling us that we should use our potato peelings to make some kind of flan.
Interest rates are down to two per cent and they say soon it will be down to zero.
So putting your money into a bank is literally just using it as a storage facility.
You might as well just take your money to a self-storage lock up. It would be far more convenient being able to store your victim AND her ransom in the same place.
Meanwhile, thousands of Scottish pensioners have been overpaid. The government said it knew something was wrong when most of them were still alive in January.
Parliament says it won’t be asking for the money back. It's just putting a 70 per cent tax on shortbread.
We first felt the effects of this horrific demise when Woolworths left our high street. Although I have to say a lot of old people were alarmed at the demise of Woolworths, weren’t they?
Although it went in January, the administrators are selling the name on so they’re saying, “Woolworths will be back.”
But no one knows when or in what form. That’s quite frightening.
Like, you will be sitting watching Murder She Wrote one day and some red and white foam will start to seep under your door and before you know it there’s a 20 foot pick and mix isle trying to kill your kids. Woolworths has incurred the highest job losses so far with 27,000 workers being sacked. But where WERE all these people?
Usually Woolies was devoid of all human life, except an 18 yard queue of old ladies trying to buy metal teapots from the one 17-year-old Saturday assistant.
Where were these hordes of staff? Thirteen people in a back room individually unwrapping a hundred weight of cola cubes?
The point is, we’re in a mess, and we aren’t going to get out of it for ten years apparently, according to some ‘experts’ who I presume were nailed to the back of the door for ten months so they didn’t cause widespread panic when they put up notices asking ‘why don’t you ask the banks where your money is?’
What good can come of the recession? In my view it would be we sort the wheat from the chaff. I believe there could be tough times ahead for Clinton Cards, for example, a shop that's always annoyed me. Only to sell greetings cards would already be a specialism too far in my view, but they manage to further specialise in ones I couldn't send to anyone I didn't hate. You'd think they might squeeze in a small section of cards that an ordinary human might actually buy, but apparently that would too far compromise the range of pale pink cuddly-bear-covered slurry they're able to provide for their core customers - people with no gag reflex. So what’s my solution, what’s my package plan. I need to find people better qualified to deal with this crisis, hmmmmm someone better then Brown and Darling. Someone unknown to the enemy and who possesses a special skill. How about Professor Hawking, John Leslie, Phil Neville, the Wu-Tang Clan, Usher, the Sugar Puffs Monster and Daniel Day Lewis?
WELCOME TO OPERATION MINDFUCK!
In summary, I don’t know much about this in all seriousness. But I find the title TOXIC FUTURE very terrifying. The things is, this sort of money, that sort of money, it is just some numbers disappearing on a computer. Why can’t we just type it back in. There’s no actual stuff, nothings caught fire, or exploded or sunk, it’s just a load of wanker bankers having made stupid bets with each other when they’re drunk. No bad thing has happened, it’s not like all the pigs in South America suddenly died of Blight. It’s just people juggling with numbers that didn’t exist and it got out of hand because they’re assholes. The bad thing is, we’ve known they’re assholes for ages, we know it every time they charge us 13million pounds for being 4pence overdrawn.
Part two coming soon, although if you don't hear from me in two weeks presume I've been taken hostage by 11 Downing street, where I will be tortured my having my hair dyed lighter, and forced eyebrow extensions.
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