What I am needs no excuses.

John Kennedy used to often say, “Throw a lantern on your problems”. In essence it can be read as simple advice to us, to not try to solve everything on our own. Face what needs to be faced so that you might be even pushed at times to do what is necessary.

I spoke to my Auntie this week, who told me of a desperately sad and horrible tragedy with the death of the four year old - Darcy Freeman. Her father just dropped her from the West Gate Bridge into the Yarra River. How could such a thing happen in our times when we are surrounded by so many highly technological means, which in many people’s opinions make our lives so more manageable and productive. The state of mind of the father who caused this terrible tragedy is now understood to be extremely fragile and far from stable. Recently separated, he was trying to make some sense of his new situation. Surely he needed help in this area. Surely be needed professional help to cope with his new situation. I wonder whether he sought help and support, or if he was offered it by anybody?

This is not easy to do. Very often we are embarrassed to admit that we need help. We are afraid that if we admit to someone that we are in some kind of need then we appear to be weak. As a consequence we would lose the respect that others might have of us. Strangely enough, even when we are in dire straights we are too proud to admit that we cannot handle the situation by ourselves. The result is that we become more overburdened as the time goes by with many dire consequences. It is true, change is painful. It is not that easy to admit our shortcomings and we try to hide our situation with the result that one day we can easily succumb to a tragic solution because trying to hide our situation demands a lot of energy and it is very draining.

Recognising there is a problem is the first step towards rehabilitation. When we have the courage to face our problems, we are renewed with a certain creative energy. Fear, shame and guilt often make us stay in isolation. It is by showing our wounds, by allowing ourselves to be helped and supported by others; we learn that our brokenness, our wounded-ness can be transformed into one of our finer triumphs in life.

My life for quite a while had not been that edifying. I was wounded, hurt and I felt abused by people I thought cared sincerely about me. Yet, it is the English way to not let your emotions wash over other people. So I sought a solution for some happiness in ways that were not life giving. I also discovered that the colour and flavour had disappeared from my life, and quickly realised they are not merely accessories that pepper my day-to-day existence, but in fact they are necessities to which you and I should enjoy, in their richness and complexity. Eventually I opened up before it was too late, and someone encouraged, guided and accompanied me to experience the powerful process we now define in secular terms as ‘moving on.’ The hardest and most productive part of that ‘process if you will’ was realising how dangerous the vice of self-pity (to which I had become accustomed to) truly is. More then pride, supposedly the cardinal sin, self-pity is the worst possible emotion any one can have. To paraphrase Oscar Wild on hatred, and I think self-pity is a subset of hatred not the other way round;
‘It destroys everything around it except itself.’

Self-pity will destroy relationships, it will destroy anything that’s good, it will fulfill all the prophecies it makes and it will leave only itself. It’s so simple to imagine that you are hard done by and things are unfair, and that you are under appreciated. For me it was by my thinking ‘if only I had a chance at that, things would have gone better, I would be happier’ and perhaps that may be true, but to pity oneself as I in fact did, is to do oneself an enormous disservice.

I hope that young people who are going through such personal turmoil and despair will not give up, but join me and others young and old in rediscovering the colour and flavour in life of which I write, and of which I am beginning to enjoy again.
What power! What energy! This is the basic essence of life.

Trust in someone, chose to be better NOT bitter.

Chris McGowan